Tangles

God does not make your life easier. He will bring up every insecurity, every emotional weakness you have over and over again until you learn to rely solely on Him for your comfort... Christianity sucks. - Kate King

These last few weeks of my life have proven the words spoken above to be the truth. I've spent countless hours working to untangle the knots of emotions and thoughts swirling around inside of me only to find the knots becoming tighter and more intricate as I go along. Habits, fears and insecurities that I thought were buried have resurrected in new forms. Some I quickly recognize while others remain cloaked in disguise and I don't recognize them until it's too late. By that time, I've already invited them in, poured them a drink and made sure they're comfortable. Kicking them out again has proved exceedingly difficult.

Habits die hard and the habits of the mind are the hardest to kill. Thoughts slide silkily into worn grooves in the head and the downward spiral starts from there. Again. I know that it is frustrating to watch as an outsider, but know that those of us who are blessed (cursed) with a decent sense of self-awareness find it equally as frustrating. We are much harsher critics of ourselves than you are, trust me.

So I'm trying to learn (re-learn) what it means to lay all of this at God's feet, to run to Him before I run to all my old comforts which have now proved most unsatisfying and even hurtful. The things that I have thought would bring me the most joy and happiness have become more elusive than ever, though I've been chasing them for years. I'm beginning to slow down. I would like to say it's because I'm beginning to surrender these things to God, but mostly it's because I'm just tired. And maybe that's where it starts. I don't know.

So I do little things right now. I listen to sermons. I read My Utmost For His Highest everyday on my iPhone (there's an app for that. No really there is). I put Patty Griffin's gospel album on repeat, (especially track 6 ). I'm reading more. The writings coming back. None of these things will save me, but I'm hoping that if I take a few steps, then God might take few steps too and we can meet in the middle somewhere. I'm trusting that God will do this and I am a person who deep down, doesn't trust God that much. As I think I've written here before, when the mantra of your life is, "You can't count on anyone, but yourself," its very hard to completely trust anyone not to screw you over eventually, even a higher power.

So I do the little things and I hope the knots begin to untangle on their own.